This is a personal post, so if you're interested in game development progress you can skip this one.

I should preface this by saying that I've been going to university this past semester, if any of you were unaware. Today after trying and failing to write the same test for the third time I received feedback on my essay for another class and apparently it's all wrong despite all the work I put into it. I don't have time to fix it since I'm failing like four other classes and there just isn't any time to do any of it right. 

So I've mostly decided at this point that I'm going to drop out of university, since they'll kick me out in a week anyway. That would mean some much-needed time to recover my mental health after all the horrible things that happened since the start of 2021, because I never got a break since that time even though I've been asking my parents for one since summer. I thought they would give me more freedom in university but nothing changes and they pressuring me to study all the time, charging into my room to check if I'm studying, not letting me leave the house or do anything else but study, and honestly nothing's changed for the past 13 years at this point. I'm really tired of this.

The thing that makes me sad about this is that I actually wanted a university job, in case game development didn't work out. I thought it would be nice to be able to do research into things that interest me and meet talented and driven people who are working to make the world a better place. Maybe that was idealistic of me, but I really believe in science and education. It's just sad that I'm not good enough to actually be able to partake in it and that I couldn't receive any help for the chronic health problems that have been ruining my life for as long as I remember and making me feel like I should just stop trying.

So I guess now I will stop trying. If university doesn't want me, then I don't want it and I don't want to look back. My parents tell me to get a grip and try again because it's not meant to be easy, but I've been trying again and again since I was six years old and so far, every success has only brought me more suffering and I don't want it to continue. Education has been a constant stream of crippling failures, degrading and depression and I want it to stop because it won't stop on its own. Even if I graduate, I'll still have to deal with the same bullshit problems, the same attention issues that have gone undiagnosed and untreated since my early childhood, the same continual damage to my self-esteem making me think I'm not good at anything I could ever attempt because I just keep failing,  so... I think this is a reasonable decision. It's something I've been thinking about for the longest time and the only reason why I never actually did it was because I was scared of losing a roof over my head. And yes, my parents are a problem and they definitely don't accept this decision, but I hope I can either convince them to let me stay somehow or find someone else to live with.

Onto positive news, this might mean that I will be working on Absolution full-time for a bit. This might mean a faster release if I actually can stop dealing with tons upon tons of schoolwork every week. At this point I have enough money to sustain myself for about... 4 months? Up to half a year if I don't have to pay full rent. On the topic of game development, I think I can reveal at this point that I've been outlining two more projects after Absolution is done - one is something that's been brewing in me for I think 1.5 year at this point so I'm excited to finally put it to words. So I definitely have enough material for several more years of gamedev work, the only problem is if I'm actually going to be able to sustain myself from that alone. Oh well. We'll see, I've been living on the proverbial edge my whole life, just not financially but psychologically, so this shouldn't be that bad. And I'm betting my parents will let me stay anyway for better or worse, so we'll have to see about that.

Sorry about the lack of progress in this one, I guess I can say that Build C is currenlty in testing? So that's exciting, I think. See you in my next post.